I did it! I finally did it! After so many months of putting it off, I sat and watched the entire film. And yes, I agree with my original analysis. WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE'S ROMEO + JULIET is not just one of the worst films ever made... it is the epitome of horrible, bad movie making. Every film has some ounce of likable substance or style. Mommy was unintentionally funny. And ROMEO + JULIET is no different. The first two minutes of this film is entirely riveting. The style used is great with an enchanting musical score to accompany it. But that's all folks. Everything else is the worst crap I have ever witnessed put on screen.

Think of all the bad movie experiences you have had. Now, put all those together, and you still don't get this film. Perhaps my opinion is being persuaded by viewing Kenneth Branagh's Hamlet beforehand. But I doubt it. I usually keep an open mind when watching films, but you always have expectations. ROMEO + JULIET reached no expectation I set, and in fact, surpassed some new lows that I have never seen a film do. I enjoy films for their entertainment, and so many films will not bottom out. This one did. Think of a graph. Now, imagine a line at 0, which shows the lowest level of expectations I set for each film. This is the point that I base my reviews on. Depending on how high the graph reaches, my review will change with it. Virtually every film I have seen always reaches above that line. Heck, even Mommy did. But ROMEO + JULIET doesn't. It goes below that line. It goes so far below that by the time the film ends, it's hard to see where the line ended up.

ROMEO + JULIET begins with a two-minute sequence that shows some promise. It's an introduction of the characters, and it's done with such style and pizzazz that I figured I would have a good time. Little did I realize that it would plummet to such spectaculor depths of wretchedness. After those two minutes were up, the actors speak, and the entertainment that was is no more. Within five minutes, I hated the movie. In ten minutes, I couldn't stand it anymore. Originally, I walked out of the theater at the point Romeo (Leonardo DiCaprio) and Juliet (Claire Danes) meet for the "Oh, Romeo, Romeo..." speech. After this speech, the film kept dropping in quality. I figured that somewhere along the line, it would stop getting bad and begin to improve. But Baz Luhrmann makes it a point to increasingly annoy viewers who love Shakespeare. Kenneth Branagh says he admires this version because it brings Shakespeare to people who wouldn't normally see plays by that great playright. Unfortunately, what Branagh does here is support a film that completely contradicts his own style. It made my opinion of him drop (only slightly, mind you). And yet, it doesn't bring Shakespeare to teenagers... it brings DiCaprio and Danes to teenagers. The story is indifferent to them. I bet half of them didn't even understand it.

Of course, I didn't even understand it. Had it not been for my previous knowledge of this great play, I would have been completely lost. The finger to point here is right directly towards the writers who take the cheap route and keep Shakespeare's original dialogue. Instead of taking the time to update it to modern times (I doubt they understood it themselves), they retain the Shakespearean English. But what doesn't work is how it is placed with the modern clothes and guns and actors. The actors can't speak it, and the dialogue merely proves that Shakespeare can't be reproduced in modern days successfully. Had Shakespeare lived today, he would not have written in that style or dialect. It's plainly (and painfully) obvious when you watch this film. When (or if) you watch this, notice that what the actors are saying is the complete opposite of what is going on onscreen. The dialogue is poetic and smart. What goes on screen is pathos and unintelligence. It's two opposite worlds trying to mesh, and they can't seem to get it to work.

Leonardo DiCaprio is a great actor. Claire Danes is a great actress. Together, they would make a great couple. But this film proves that even great actors have bad days. But I doubt I have seen such horrible performances come from good actors. DiCaprio maintains his snobby attitude which makes his Romeo unlikable, and Danes is too soft and subtle to be attracted to Romeo. The chemistry here is nonexistant. This shows that even if the actors have chemistry together, they need good characters in order to make it work. Off screen, they are great together, but in these roles they are just plain vomitous. Speaking lines at a rushed rate and not even thinking about what they mean continues to help the film's downward drop into a pathetic oblivion. By the end, when both of them kill each other, it's a joyous sight. Joyous? Isn't this a tragic play? Well, it WAS.

Instead of being a tragedy, it's almost laughable in its poor tries at being emotional. Unfortunately, it's hard to laugh because it's Shakespeare. So what do we do? We sit and grimace and try to avoid heaving over our seat. It's a frightening thought when I want to blow chunks when watching Shakespeare. Someone should tell theaters to provide courtesy buckets. Apparently, I wasn't the only one who thought so in the theater I originally saw it in. For a tragedy, we expect a slow, melodramatic build to a final outcome that makes us sad. Here, it's all quick-paced and annoying, destroying any emotion on screen. Baz Luhrmann even uses a slow film speed to make the images look quick and jagged when played at normal speed. This was used back in the silent days for comedy, and it still is used in some cases. Here, it makes it feel rushed, as if its wanting to be funny. But Shakespeare isn't funny (at least, here he's not). This is a tragic play, and the comedy is inappropriate at best. The funniest joke in this film is the irony of the title: WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE'S ROMEO + JULIET. Why? Because this is not William Shakespeare's play. It's someone elses. Shakespeare would be disgraced had he seen this. It's a mortifying experience.

And who the hell was operating that camera? I mean, can we get any more confusing images? I doubt we can, because this film contains quickly-cut sequences with each cut growing more rapid with each passing second. By the end, I figured they would just give us a slew of images one after another till the film ended. Since I absolutely love images, I was ready to praise this film. There is one image that is actually quite impressive. The Capulet and Montague company buildings are right across from each, and it provides a very nice image. But that's the ONLY image worth noting. The colors are distracting and the costumes are freakin' annoying. Oh, and when that transvestite came on the screen, well, that nearly made me go to the bathroom to put my face in a place that was never meant for a face.

Director/writer Baz Luhrmann began, surprisingly, in MTV music videos. Oh wait... that's not a surprise. But when you see what David Fincher can do, you know that MTV directors aren't all bad. Luhrmann represents everything wrong in Hollywood. He is, to this point, the worst director since Ed Wood. He made the okay Strictly Ballroom, but this film lowers any merit he may have received in the past. This isn't just bad film making, it's completely awful work that hopefully will have Luhrmann out of Hollywood for good. I don't know if I will ever be able to look at another film of his the same way again. Every decision he made was stupid. Every cut he made was bad. Every line he had the actors spout was incredulously dumb.

ROMEO + JULIET is rated PG-13 for some violence. I hate this film. I don't think I'll ever see another movie this bad ever again. I don't know if it is possible. Maybe if a film comes out that has a horrible two minute opening as well... maybe that could do it. But as for now, this is the worst film of all time. Plan 9 From Outer Space was Citizen Kane compared to this. I hated everything about this. I hated the way it made me feel. I hated the way it reduced the interesting characters to cardboard cutouts. I hated the way the actors just spouted lines and acted stupid. I haven't hated anything this much in my entire life. The true tragedy here... is that people actually like this movie. Some even say it's a great film. I don't think these people see many movies. In fact, I would be safe to assume that they don't see any at all. This is the worst film ever made, and that's all I can really say. Don't see it, don't support it, don't praise it. If you do, I'm sorry. If you don't, thank God.